Sunday thoughts
Dreamhack was nice :) i really don't know if i will attend next year, time will tell. I had a nice time and a lot of my friends seemed to have a nice time too :D Had visit from a couple of friends that didn't bring computers, which was nice :D crashed at my place about 6 in the morning, slept until about 18:00. Took a nice looong shower, and now i'm back in the game :D
Some thoughts rushing through my head this evening have been a lot about loneliness, but those feelings seems to attack me after every lanparty. maybe i should stop doing this, but i feels like its worth it because of all happiness during the event. I really don't want a girlfriend, but i want something more than a friend. I want to have a person who i can watch a movie with and cuddle a little but no actual feelings. Who doesn't need a hug once in a while?
While im stuck with this thoughts about this, old depressive thoughts comes back, hitting me like a freaking tornado. The worst of them actually is about doing military service here in Sweden. ( I'm not sure if this is a good expression for so called Lumpen ) When i was at the drafting (Mönstring) i was told everything was fine, they wanted me to be a radar operator or chef, i was really happy on the way home. But then a couple a month afterward i got a letter saying i was not good enough (or i felt like thats was what they actually wanted to write)
Soo... I'm not good enough for the military, most people do crazy things to ensure not to be picket out for military duty. I'm not one of them, since i was a little boy i've always been fascinated about the military, maybe not the killing side. But it had been my freaking dream to become a military. Sure i could think of other things to do with my life, but i really wanted to do the military service. As it is now i'm searching for a way to prove to the military i'm good enough. I was told by a friend there may be a possibility, but when reading on their homepage i noticed i wont be able to do it. They can offer med working in the so called "Hemvärnet" to that i say, thanks but no thanks... I'm not going to work with fat wannabe military men.
But hey, everybody isn't equal worth... who fucking believes that?
Now this is my sunday thoughts, i have a fussy memory of every sunday beeing like this, but lanparties always makes it worse... fuck i need to get laid and have a splif... then everything gonna be alright, for a moment.
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